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Break-up Shame and Degradation Tour - Mixsee

Break-up Shame and Degradation Tour

Somebody

PUBLISHED

Manhattan, NY / Entertainment

For two and a half years I went out with a girl named Connie. I thought she was the one. Should've known. Most girls named "Connie" are usually slutty. Anyway, Connie dumped me recently and traded up for a hedge fund manager in the financial district. You know the d-bag type: prone to high-five-ing and woo-hoo-ing in bars with his other backwards baseball cap wearing d-bag buddies. They travel in packs, you know. I'm having a hard time getting over it, so I thought I would share a tour of how the break-up went down. Call it therapeutic.

1. Anthropologie

Anthropologie

85 5th Ave Manhattan, NY, 10003

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I'm almost sure she bought the dress she wore when we broke up at this store. It was bought on my card. Did she ask the sales girl: "I want to look totally hot when I dump his ass?" or "what color is the least emotionally devastating?" or "I need the perfect break-up shoes to go with that."
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2. Cafeteria Restaurant

Cafeteria

119 7th Ave Manhattan, NY, 10011

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Connie could never pick a good restaurant. Looking around, I could see several other Connie types and their benefactors. This was the scene of the now infamous break-up dinner. After being seated by the bathrooms in a dimly lit corner of the restaurant, our boy bitch waiter finally takes our order after a good thirty minutes of trying to decipher small talk against the blaring Rihanna megamix. After shifting around uncomfortably for what seemed like an eternity, she leans over and tells me there's something important she needs to tell me while "Please Don't Stop the Music" is blasting in the background. That's when she dropped the bomb just as her appletini was brought over. I mean, couldn't she have waited after the entre?! Btw, the mediocre food was overpriced and the service was bitchy and indifferent. But, hey, this is Chelsea, right? However, I did get the glad eye from the Brazilian guy with the man-bag wearing a "Caliente" fitted tee in the next table.
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3. Duane Reade

Duane Reade

77 7th Ave Manhattan, NY, 10011

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After she hopped into a cab presumably to head over to her new d-bag boyfriend's condo in Battery Park, I went across the street to Duane Reade to return the condoms I bought just right before dinner. I felt no shame as I handed the West Indian lady behind the counter the box of condoms and fumbled for the receipt that I couldn't find insisting that I just bought these an hour and a half ago and that she rang me up. A long line ensued and I was heckled by two guys in backwards baseball caps to "hurry the eff up." I think they then double high-fived.
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